Overjoyed, overwhelmed, and over flowing with LOVE. That’s the only way I can describe what I am feeling right now. It’s just an over abundance of goodness and GRACE that I feel moving within me. An over abundance of emotion. I feel like I should contain it but I don’t want to. If I do it feels like I am going to literally burst! My heart is just so big right now I can’t take it!
Wednesday, October 2 came so quickly! We woke up and went about the day as usual but by the time I was done teaching at noon I started going crazy. Stephanie went for her bloodtest at 8am and we were expecting a call between 1 and 2pm. Suddenly time just stood still. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the news we were anticipating and hoping for. I couldn’t imagine not being with Jeffrey when we got the news so I made my way to his office.
On the way uptown, there were pregnant women every step I took! On the subway and around every street corner, I swear, another pregnant belly. Like literally every step I took. There was a woman sitting across from me on the subway and I made up this story that she was a surrogate. I was feeling so blessed…filled with so much hope and love. So much gratitude for Stephanie and Jeffrey and for this miraculous opportunity. So I was seeing that in everyone else that day.
I realized during this little day dream that being pregnant can be such a special moment in time but that it really is just that…a moment in time. It’s something that I still hope I can experience and carry full term, but I was not envious or jealous of this woman on the subway. I was grateful. Grateful for women who are strong and secure enough to give themselves so completely to help another. That’s what she represented to me. And that is what Stephanie is. She is a pillar of strength. She embodies all the qualities of a courageous warrior, mother and best friend. She is filled with love and grace.
So eventually on to Jeffrey’s office I made my way. It was the longest f’ing walk EVER. And my phone was dying. I called him and could tell that he was very anxiously waiting by the phone. He picked up right away with excitement in his voice and he came down to meet me. I just couldn’t see myself not being with him when we got the news. So far things were working out swimmingly. Things were working out. (I just had to write that twice to remind myself.)
It was unusually hot for October-80 degrees and SUNNY!!! I let myself bask in the sun for a few minutes hoping to keep some semblance of the tan I had over the summer. He came down and we nervously hugged each other and talked about where we should go to take the call. A few minutes later I got a text from Stephanie that said “are you with Jeff?” And I knew in that moment that she was pregnant-ha! I had a good feeling but it wasn’t without doubt.
I had just been saying to Jeff that if it’s not the news we are hoping for that I know we can get through it. Unfortunately my psyche has had a difficult time forgetting what I have suffered through…loss, medical complications, grief, a lot of unfortunate luck. I’m working on letting go of the pain every day and I don’t want it to shape who I am in a negative way. I want to use it to be a better, stronger person and to be the best mother, wife, friend, I can be. I will not deny that it’s been incredibly painful. And so naturally I am feeling protective of my heart. It wasn’t 6 months earlier that Jeffrey and I were sitting in the same plaza in the freezing cold of March waiting to get the bloodtest results of transfer #13. Our beautiful perfect embryo that was hatching before they transferred it into my uterus. All the signs pointed to that this was going to work-the PGD perfect embryo would prevent me from having another chromosomal miscarriage. Little did we know I was walking around with undiagnosed kidney disease and an under active thyroid. We were devastated when we got the news that evening in March. Devastated.
to sincerely reflect on what this means, but I hope that they will both someday look back and be proud to be a part of this. I hope that they will know that I wanted them to be a part of this experience and I strongly feel that this will be a life lesson for them.
I was so excited to tell the boys, but of course I felt protective and cautious. I wanted to be sure the time was right, and that the pregnancy was confirmed as successful. After our ultrasound at 8 weeks, Nathan and I sat down to tell the boys. Our conversation was filled with some comical comments, which is exactly what I expected from my two silly boys. Ethan’s immediate concern was if he would still be able to sleep with me when he wanted to. Ryan seemed to think that the ultrasound pictures resembled things I just didn’t see.
I think my sister in law said it best when she reminded me during one of our many conversations that how the kids would think about this experience was all up to how we presented it to them. She reminded me of their innocence, noting that they as young children have no idea that surrogacy is unconventional. As far as they are concerned, this is just a part of life……
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