It’s hard to believe that September 23 is already here and it’s hard to explain all of the feelings that I am feeling. I’m on my connecting flight heading back to NYC from North Carolina where I was teaching the first weekend of teacher training. How I was able to concentrate on anything other than what is happening tomorrow is beyond me. I guess that is my yoga in practice. Everything feels surreal right now. I haven’t talked to Stephanie this weekend but she is on her way to Penn Station right now, taking the train from Providence.
Just the thought of Stephanie on the train makes me start to cry. This journey has been nothing that I thought it was going to be. I look around this plane wondering if anyone else on here has used a gestational carrier or been one themselves. I wonder if anyone else on this plane is having their transfer done tomorrow?! Ha ha ha…probably not.
I’m not sure why this is my chosen path but I don’t think I’m supposed to know why. And I think if I try to figure it all out, I will be missing the point….I will be missing out on this beautiful journey and missing out on this incredible moment that we are in. One thing that I have learned in these past few years is that we don’t have control over everything. In fact, there is very little that we do have control over. And so trying to figure it all out and getting stuck in the “why” does nothing but keep me from living fully. If I am constantly asking “why” all these things have happened to me, to us, I will be living in the past. This journey has been revealing itself to me with every loss, every heartbreak, every tear… It’s easy to get stuck in trying to figure it all out…I can get stuck in the “why me?, ” but I would rather live my life asking “why not me?” I know that all of the heartache and disappointment has been leading us in the direction that we were intended to go all along. Every day, and every step we have been closer to acceptance.
and Acceptance is the beginning of the BEST part of your life…
How many times have we struggled against ourselves and what we knew deep down in our hearts was our “chosen” path?
Somewhere in my heart I have always known that this was the way I was to have my children. Looking back now it all seems crystal clear. Not just the journey to parenthood, but meeting Stephanie the first week of college and everything our friendship has endured over the years. Stephanie is the only friend I told when Jeffrey and I started on our baby making journey. I was very private about it at first-mainly because I didn’t want any pressure and I wanted it to be a surprise when we shared our good news. I think I was so private about it because somehow I had this feeling that it wasn’t going to be easy for us. I believed somewhere that it was going to be a struggle. It’s a hard feeling to remember because the superstitious side of me believes that it was that way of thinking that made it a struggle…my thoughts becoming reality. But I realize now that although, yes, it was fear, and fear can paralyze us, that I did not cause all of the trauma of the past three years. If only we were that powerful!
Today has been a day of looking back and realizing how far I have come. Realizing how much I have grown as a person. How much stronger my relationship is with Jeffrey. Realizing that I chose the right partner before I even really knew what that meant. Knowing now that it is God who has been orchestrating this little symphony all along…and that’s why I know this is the right next step.
I got the call today from the embryologists office at NYU. Our precious baby #2 (I like to call it a baby, but right now the cluster of cells is a 5-day blastocyst) is going to be thawed and carefully placed into Stephanie’s uterus. A true miracle. I feel so so blessed beyond words to live in this lifetime, and for this to be an option for us. I feel so blessed to have my dearest friend offer to do this for us. OFFER. I did not even have to ask. Stephanie is an angel.
On the eve of one of the most important days of my life, I am grateful for this most loving, courageous, selfless gift. I feel so blessed to know what true, unconditional love feels like. Both from Stephanie and from Jeffrey. My rocks. They have my back.
The road to acceptance has been a long one in which I struggled and tried to search for all the answers to “why?” But it was in that struggling, and in sitting with the pain of loss that the answers finally came. With every broken heart, I learned more about who I am and the journey slowly revealed itself. And so for that reason alone, I wouldn’t change a thing. I know this is all part of a much bigger plan.
Acceptance has led us to the start of something so beautiful, so special, so miraculous.
It has led to the beginning of the best part of my life…